Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Literate Adult's Return to the Valley of Twilight, Part Four: Edward "Smolder" Cullen

Read Part One here, Part Two here, and Part Three here.

I took time off work last week since I had family visiting. As it was the only real vacation I would be taking this summer, I decided it would be a book vacation as well. So instead of Twilight I went back to reading Dune by Frank Herbert. That’s the book I had just started back when a lack of prepackaged blog posts and laziness prompted me to wander into Twilight’s clutches for the second time.

Leto Dantreides has been harassing me to read Dune for years and after two hundred pages of not being 100% sure about it, I’m starting to get really, really into it.

But sadly all vacations have to end sometime. Goodbye, political and religious allegory. Goodbye, original story that could never be accused of being a Buffy ripoff sans the good writing and respect for women. I’ll miss you.

Though I try to make Twilight funny for you guys, I actually very rarely even chuckle at the book. 50 Shades of Grey is bad but often in a laugh-out-loud-at-how-ludicrous-it-is sort of way. Twilight is just enough of a cut above 50 Shades quality-wise that it’s just kind of boringly bad rather than hilariously so.

So I was pretty pleased to come across a line so hypocritical that I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off. Bella is talking to her friend Jessica after Bella’s “date” with Edward. I prefer to remember it as the “near rape followed by Bella being ordered by Edward to eat mushroom pasta even though she was probably in shock," but whatever—it’s not like this is the first time Stephenie Meyer and I have disagreed about phrasing.

Jessica mentions what a creepster Edward is and actually seems like a voice of reason for half a second. Then she says this:

“Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.” Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.

Oh, Bella. I know you’re using the term “her book” figuratively. But in your LITERAL book that I hold in my hands, you use Edward’s ridiculous man beauty to excuse his flaws all the damn time.

Any guesses as to how long it takes Bella to say something about Edward’s extreme handsomeness after her mental condescension toward Jessica?

“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?” he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.

I tried to remember how to exhale. … “You’re doing it again,” I muttered.

His eyes opened wide with surprise. “What?”

“Dazzling me.”

Four pages. Four fucking pages. And how long after that do you reckon it takes Edward to say something really douchey?

“Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence.”

Three pages this time! Bella almost got hit by a van in an icy parking lot. Then she got lost in an unfamiliar city, which almost resulted in sexual assault. Every time Edward makes it seem like Bella is to blame for these things I want to punch him in his cold, perfect face.

By the next page Bella is justifying Edward’s dickery with his attractiveness again, this time in a particularly bizarre fashion:

I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn’t so fascinating.

This is the closest I’ve ever heard to fascinating laughter, and I don’t think it’s what Stephenie Meyer had in mind:

On the page after that Edward says this:

He rolled his eyes. “Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.”

Edward really runs the whole condescending-douche/creepy-fuck gamut with this one. I don’t understand why he insists on driving super fast when he is so overprotective of Bella about everything else. Stop acting like Bella is crazy when she expresses concern about your fast driving, Edward. Cars kill a lot more people than vampires, after all—I don’t care how awesome of a driver you think you are.

Not much else of note has happened in the book since my last update. Just lots of sexual tension and Edward being oddly interested in Bella's super boring personality. I've started to notice how often Edward’s eyes are described as “smoldering." It’s gotten to the point where I expect Edward’s eyes to just burst into flame at any moment. 

I’ll leave you with the doodles that Edward’s hot, hot eyes inspired while I tried in vain to keep my attention on the book:

Read Part Five here.


  1. The drawing made me laugh most of all. I am almost tempted by Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey to do a short spoof featuring.. the Most Boring Girl in the World and The Smolderingest Sexiest Hottest Guy Ever. And yes, Smolderingest. Because such an imaginary word would totally fit into it all. But I think it'd be too awful.

    Who the hell would want a creepy douchebaggy stalker like Edward? So what if he's hot. Also, I'm sorry, but no matter how good of a driver you are... you're going to really feel going 90 miles an hour on a 50 mph zone. It's physics. And Bella's supposed to be smart...

    1. Thanks! And amen about the driving--it's probably the thing that's pissed me off the most about Edward so far. He's supposed to care so much about humans and yet he repeatedly puts himself in situations where he might harm others with his super fast driving. And it's just another of many cases where he acts like Bella's legitimate concerns are silly and childish.

  2. "Cars kill a lot more people than vampires" needs to go on a poster or t-shirt of some sort, as do those drawings. Will you be setting up a shop anytime soon?

  3. Put down Twilight and finish Dune... much more rewarding!!!