Monday, March 20, 2017

Short Post and a Song #107: You died quickly.

Me: I hate when men refer to women as prizes.

The Great Dansby: But you're my prize!

Me: *glare*

Danlock Holmes: I threw a ball into a bowl at the fair and won you. *hugs my head to his chest and pets my hair* You died quickly.


"We Don't Need Our Heads" by A Great Big Pile of Leaves

There's been a definite teenage theme to the songs I've been posting lately, since I've been writing about teenagers and music can be a good way for me to worm my way into their angsty little heads. This song isn't particularly angsty though; it's just super fun and nostalgic. I'm particularly fond of the lyrics "Hangin' on the outside/It's so much more fun" since it's something I wish I'd realized myself back in high school.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

It's all gouda.

ME: I'm gonna start using puns more. 

FRIEND: Great.

ME: Like, I think it's gonna be a pretty gouda day.


ME: Yep, I am feeling pretty gouda.

FRIEND: Okay...

ME: *petting dog* Who's a gouda boy!

FRIEND: Maybe I should explain to you how puns work.

ME: Oh no, I get it. I'm very gouda with puns.

FRIEND: Do you just really want some gouda right now or something?

ME: *daydreaming about dancing gouda wheels* What's that, gouda buddy?

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Short Post and a Song #106: And the soundtrack of all your dreams shall be the creepy humming from "Pan's Labyrinth".

I'm apparently a huge blanket-hogging dick when I'm sleeping.

I... What do I do about this? Is there some way to punish my sleeping self?

Bad, Sleep Jill, BAD! No more cool "surfing through space on a pizza slice" dreams for you! From now on it's gonna be all clowns, all the time, until you clean up your act.


"Medusa in Chains" by The Fratellis

I've been listening to The Fratellis for years and am really digging this bonus track off their latest album. It's got a great bluesy feel to it and the instrumental makes me wish I had a piano or keyboard so I could try to sound it out. It's also pretty killer for writing romantical scenes.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Short Post and a Song #105: Did you get a haircut?

How I interpret someone asking me "Did you get a haircut?" when I have not, in fact, gotten a haircut:

"You look like shit most of the time, but you look ever so slightly less like shit today for some reason."


"Prank Calls by Kelley Stoltz

As I've mentioned previously, I'm working on getting my dystopian novel, The Renaissance Experiment, into shape. I often listen to instrumental music while editing so I don't get distracted by the lyrics, but sometimes I need something that will get me into the right mood to write a certain character. 

My protagonist is sixteen, and nothing gets me into her teenaged head like this song. (Particularly during friendship/not-feeling-alone-anymore-type scenes.) The melody is upbeat and fun, but with just enough of an angsty edge.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

The complex and scholarly process of naming baby animals

HANK, A ZOOLOGIST: What should we call a baby kangaroo?


HANK: Good one! How about a baby koala?


HANK: A little repetitive, but okay. A baby wallaby?


HANK: You're really losing your knack for this, Bernard.

JOEY: Christ, Bernard, I'm up. What are we doing?

HANK: Coming up with names for baby animals. Next on the list are baby wombats.

JOEY: Oh, I love baby wombats! Do you ... would you mind maybe naming them after me?

...And that is the true (maybe?) story of why all baby marsupials are called joeys.

...Also this post is better if you imagine them all with Australian accents.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

Short Post and a Song #104: Please don't take ice cream from us, Dystopian Future.

MAN TRYING TO SELL ME DIPPIN' DOTS: Dippin' Dots are the ice cream of the future.

ME: *grabs him by his collar* What the fuck did you do to normal ice cream, you time-traveling bastard??


"Lower the Heavens" by The Donkeys

I've been writing up a storm recently. Some of it has been fleshing out the worlds of two of my infant projects that barely exist outside my brain yet—one historical fiction and one sci-fi. But most of my energy has been going toward editing my dystopian project, The Renaissance Experiment (older readers may remember it as Renaissance Lab). It's finally been long enough since I started (nearly seven years already, Jesus) that I've been able to read it back over with some objectivity.

I prefer instrumental tracks for editing since I get too hung up on lyrics to pay attention to what I'm reading, and "Lower the Heavens" has been a real favorite of mine lately. Give it until 1:10 or so to really get going, and goddamn then it really does. It's particularly good for "let's all band together to pull off something awesome" sorts of scenes, though I imagine it would also lend itself well to romantic scenes.

You may have noticed that I have gone back to the old Short Post and a Song format. It was a fun experiment while it lasted, but I've realized an important factor that I managed to overlook previously: The songs I feel inclined to make jokes about are not often the songs I actually enjoy. And I just didn't like the idea of in any way endorsing songs I don't like, since this blog is my Velocikingdom where I rule as an all powerful God King. (I know it should be Goddess Queen but I like the sound of God King better, and it's my Velocikingdom, so yeah ... that pretty much makes my point, actually.)

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


[Sleepless in Seattle, 1993]

MEG RYAN: So I've basically been stalking you this whole movie.

TOM HANKS: Aw, that's adorable! ...You know if you were a dude and I were a lady this would all be really creepy, right?

MEG RYAN: Oh yeah, super creepy.

*They kiss*

If Tom Hanks were asking this question the movie would be a thriller, not a romantic comedy.