Sunday, February 19, 2017

Short Post and a Song #104: Please don't take ice cream from us, Dystopian Future.

MAN TRYING TO SELL ME DIPPIN' DOTS: Dippin' Dots are the ice cream of the future.

ME: *grabs him by his collar* What the fuck did you do to normal ice cream, you time-traveling bastard??


"Lower the Heavens" by The Donkeys

I've been writing up a storm recently. Some of it has been fleshing out the worlds of two of my infant projects that barely exist outside my brain yet—one historical fiction and one sci-fi. But most of my energy has been going toward editing my dystopian project, The Renaissance Experiment (older readers may remember it as Renaissance Lab). It's finally been long enough since I started (nearly seven years already, Jesus) that I've been able to read it back over with some objectivity.

I prefer instrumental tracks for editing since I get too hung up on lyrics to pay attention to what I'm reading, and "Lower the Heavens" has been a real favorite of mine lately. Give it until 1:10 or so to really get going, and goddamn then it really does. It's particularly good for "let's all band together to pull off something awesome" sorts of scenes, though I imagine it would also lend itself well to romantic scenes.

You may have noticed that I have gone back to the old Short Post and a Song format. It was a fun experiment while it lasted, but I've realized an important factor that I managed to overlook previously: The songs I feel inclined to make jokes about are not often the songs I actually enjoy. And I just didn't like the idea of in any way endorsing songs I don't like, since this blog is my Velocikingdom where I rule as an all powerful God King. (I know it should be Goddess Queen but I like the sound of God King better, and it's my Velocikingdom, so yeah ... that pretty much makes my point, actually.)

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


[Sleepless in Seattle, 1993]

MEG RYAN: So I've basically been stalking you this whole movie.

TOM HANKS: Aw, that's adorable! ...You know if you were a dude and I were a lady this would all be really creepy, right?

MEG RYAN: Oh yeah, super creepy.

*They kiss*

If Tom Hanks were asking this question the movie would be a thriller, not a romantic comedy.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Short Post and a Song #103: Clowns, making music videos better since NEVER. THEY HAVE NEVER MADE ANYTHING BETTER.

"Wonderwall" by Oasis

HIM: 🎶I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
🎶 HER: 1) Only you can save yourself, and 2) The fuck is a wonderwall?

P.S. Prior to writing this post, I had never seen this song's music video before. What the fuck is going on? Are they at the really laid-back auditions for a circus ... with dancing girls and people playing saws as instruments ... in a warehouse?

It's okay though, bros. It's in black and white and that makes it "art".

P.P.S. Here also is this mash-up of "Wonderwall" with "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, which I enjoy much more than the original song (maybe because of that sweet little cameo "Dream On" by Aerosmith makes at the end):

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Short Post and a Song #102: Seriously, "They poison the game so no one else can compete" could be that movie's plot summary.

"it's different for girls" by of Montreal

🎶They don't have to size up
Every person they meet
Or create an elite🎶

...It's a great song, of Montreal, but have you MET a woman? Have you seen Mean Girls??

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Short Post and a Song #101: Goddamn it, Kim, you knew that was our only shot at recording it!

"Where Is My Mind?" by The Pixies

KIM DEAL: 🎶Oooh🎶



BLACK FRANCIS: *interrupts by playing guitar*

KIM DEAL: *passive aggressively sings 🎶Ooo-oooh🎶 for 4 minutes*

Wednesday, January 11, 2017


The conversation from everyone else's perspective:

ROB: Joe Montana was the best quarterback of all time, hands down. He led the Niners on a 92-yard drive with only 36 seconds left in Super Bowl XXIII!

MARK: Naw, it's gotta be Peyton Manning. He's thrown the most touchdown passes ever and the most in a single season!

ME: *pumps fist* Yeah, sportsball!

The conversation from my perspective:

ROB: Sportsball!

MARK: Sportsball!

ME: *pumps fist* Yeah, sportsball!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Short Post and a Song #100: THE ONE SANE MEMBER OF SOUNDGARDEN: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

"Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden

*SOUNDGARDEN brainstorming*

Weirdly large eyes and mouths!

Roasting a Barbie on a spit!

*DAVID LYNCH pops head in* You are doing great work.