Sunday, August 31, 2014

Short post and a Song #82: We have a fish at my office, and it's really fucking with my head.

Spending Labor Day weekend at the lake house has made me wonder what happens to the fish who go back to their fish families with hooks forever lodged in their lips. Are they shunned for their deformity, or embraced as the cool badasses with lip rings who have seen a thing or two?


"The Vitamin String Quartet at the 2012 NAMM Show Breakfast Sessions"

I haven't blogged in a while, I know, so today you get four songs instead of one! I featured these guys a while ago but have since gotten into them in a big way. Not gonna lie, if that lady violinist was like, "Run away with me, Jillian," Obi Dan Kenobi and I might have to have a talk. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Short Post and a Song #81: How the subway is making me a terrible person.

On the 5 train I saw a woman who was holding the pole by looping both her arms around it, somewhat like my old friend from the F.

But while Rude Subway Girl just didn't give a fuck, this woman obviously gave many fucks. Her fucks just didn't happen to have anything to do with the subway. 

She was slumped over the pole with her face bowed and pushed right up against her phone. One of her hands cradled her head, as though she couldn't stand the effort of holding it up.

Instead of maybe wanting to help this poor, beleaguered woman, I spent the entire ride thinking at her:

"Look, I can tell you're going through some shit right now. But you need to GET OVER IT and hold the pole properly."


"Shelter Song" by Temples

I got to see these guys for free in the city last week and was impressed by both their musical acumen and extreme Britishness. If every one of these guys doesn't dream of telling the audience that they are the BEAT-uls, I will eat my hat.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Short Post and a Song #80: (With imaginary special guest title reader, Jerry Seinfeld) What is the DEAL with airline advertising?

Luke Danwalker and I saw this advertisement while waiting for the subway:

Me: (Looks at Save the Last DANce, then back at the advertisement) That's an advertisement for a travel website. What are they saying about crying babies here? What ... what happens to the crying babies?

Air Marshal Dan: If a baby cries on an flight, that baby will be tased.

Me: Or pitched overboard.

Dan Draper: That's just the sort of service you can expect from


"My Body" by Young the Giant

I was singing this irresistably catchy song while doing the dishes and Dandrake glanced over at me from where he was putting steak on the grill:

Dan Valdan: They should play that song during the hot dog eating contest on the Fourth of July.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Short Post and a Song #79: What happens every time we consider getting a pet.

Danfy Duck: We should get a cat today.

Me: Let's do it. And then it will be the very best kitten ever. And then it will need some $2,000  surgery.

Danily Guy: Because it has a rare form of kitten dia-BEET-us?

Me: Exactly. Because it has a rare form of kitten dia-BEET-us.

Cheese Dannish: And then we'd have to set it free on the streets of New York because we can't afford the surgery. (Sigh) What a short, tragic life our kitten will lead.


"Not Fit" by Tea Leaf Green

The piano is my favorite aspect of this song. It's got a jazzy vibe to it that I dig a lot. 

So I know a while ago I said I would post proper posts more often, rather than just Short Posts and a Songs on Sundays (gotta love 'dat alliteration, though). But then I got my first full-time job ever and have still not gotten used to going in each and every day like a normal, functioning human.

Stay tuned, though, Velocininjas. I'll be posting something more substantial soon, mostly because my critique partner Sarah tagged me in the Writing Process Blog tour, and she's just too much of a badass for me to refuse her.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Short Post and Song #78: Special Agent Jillian of the Pizza Crimes Unit

On the train back from Pennsylvania:

Me: (Sniffs) I smell pizza. I want it.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dan: Yeah, I smell pizza too.

Me: I should walk up to whoever has pizza and say, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate that pizza, sir."

Dance Dance Revolution: Then you should sit right across from him and start eating his pizza. If he tries to stop you, just ask, "Are you harassing a government employee?"

Me: That doesn't even necessarily imply that I am a government employee.

Raggedy Dan: And yet he'll stop bothering you and just let you eat his pizza.

Me: Genius.


"Old Yellow Bricks" by the Arctic Monkeys

There's something very comforting to me about listening to the Arctic Monkeys. Suddenly I'm back in college and awkwardly dancing around in my dorm room, praying my roommate won't barge in and conclude that I'm even weirder than she originally thought. But I keep dancing, because the Arctic Monkeys are playing and I just can't not dance.

I know that it was just the Fourth of July and that the Arctic Monkeys are a British band. But I've spent the last three Independence Days respectively hanging out in Paris (the ultimate enemy of all things 'merican), watching TV on my desk chair because I didn't (and still don't) own a couch, and eating dinner at a lakefront restaurant which faced away from the fireworks. 

So basically I am a fucking rebel who doesn't really care that much about the Fourth of July or fireworks.

If you'll excuse me, I've got some awkward Arctic Monkey jamming to get back to.  

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Short Post and a Song #77: This little girl may be my new favorite.

I overheard a little girl on a scooter when she and her mother were walking ahead of me in Manhattan:

Little girl: I wanna go in an antigravity chamber. In the chamber I'll be like, "WHOOOOOOOOOOA!!!" And then I'll be like, "Ow, my head!"


"Big Coat" by Wiretree

I can't say I totally get this music video, but it's a beautiful song.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Short Post and a Song #76: We two assholes were made for each other.

Walking down the street with Dantrick Swayze:

Dan Tracy: Oh, it looks like Essential Cakes closed.

Me: Hmm, I guess their cakes weren't so essential after all.

Dan Wars: A New Hope: (Pauses on the sidewalk to look at me.) Jill, that's somebody's hopes and dreams! They invested their life's savings, and you're making a pun?

Me: (Pause, then a slow laugh.) I laugh at their misfortune. 

(Long silence.) 

Me: Are you rethinking your life decisions? Are you thinking about what a horrible person I am?

Dancent Vega: No. I just noticed a guy on a bike wearing tons of gear, heading towards us at top speed and taking his biking so seriously, and I wanted to yell, "Slow down, Lance Armstrong!"


"Battle Without Honor Or Humanity" by Tomoyasu Hotei

I just rewatched Kill Bill: Vol. 1 and remembered why Quentin Tarantino is most likely my favorite filmmaker of all time. Every frame in that movie is a fucking masterpiece. Its theme has never been missing from any workout mix I've ever made. Generally I spend much more time making workout mixes than I do actually working out.