Sunday, November 9, 2014

Short Post and a Song #90: Exaggerbating

Danomatic arrived home from the store to find me sitting in a dark room.

Me: You turned off the light when you left.

Iron Dan: So you just sat here in the dark this whole time? You sat and stewed in your anger thinking, "Fuck him, he can turn on his own goddamn light."

Me: Hey, I was just feeling lazy!

Enter SandDan: I know. I was just exaggerbating. (Pauses) We've got to see if "exaggerbating" is something people have already come up with.

It turns out people already have. But I like Little Danpeep's use of it better. 


"Wolf Like Me" by TV On The Radio

There's something distinctly badass about this song.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Short Post and a Song #89: Immediately afterward he remarked: "And then I probably would have gotten shot."

Dangelina Jolie as we passed by a few policemen on our street: I just want to yell, "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" and take off running.


"Death Letter" by The White Stripes

This is one of my all-time favorite covers. I didn't even realize it was a cover until about a month ago. With all respect to Son House, I dig this version way more than the original. You just can't beat Meg White's drumming on this track.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Short Post and a Song #88: He has a point.

101 Danmations: You really want to see Gone Girl?

Me: Yeah.

The Dancredible Hulk: My client told me Ben Affleck just acts like Ben Affleck and doesn't fit the character from the book at all.

Me: Yeah, I would have probably cast Bradley Cooper.

Yellow Danmarine: Is that the guy from Inception?

Me: No ... why do you always ask if every actor I mention was in Inception?

Danleberry Finn: Hey, there are like five guys of the same generation of actors in one movie. Whenever you mention a random actor, there's a good chance he was in Inception.


"Little Bird" by The White Stripes

I was into the album "Elephant" by The White Stripes in a big way back in high school, but lately I've found that I like their older album "De Stijl" even better. It's just got a great bluesy feel to it and also has the magical power of making me about twice as productive whenever I listen to it while writing.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sneezing on the Subway

It is rare when I sneeze that I sneeze only once. I usually have to sneeze ten or twelve times before that infernal tingling in my nose finally ceases.

Sometimes this avalanche of sneezes possesses me on the subway or train. When it does, this is generally what happens:

Me: (Sneeze)

Stranger: God bless you.

Me: (Sneeze)

Stranger: God bless you.

Me: (Sneeze)

Stranger: (Glare) Bless you.

Me: (Sneeze)

Stranger: YOU DON'T DESERVE GOD'S BLESSINGS, YOU SNEEZING BITCH! YOU GO TO HELL! (Rips shirt off in a mindless rage and runs off to another car, never to be seen again)

I might be exaggerating slightly, but you get the idea.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Short Post and a Song #87: FIRE. AND BALLS.

I saw this advertisement on the train the other day and it gave me a chuckle: 

I had an idea to improve the advertisement and thought I'd share it with you all:


"I Got" by Young the Giant

Like so many Young the Giant songs, most of this song's lyrics don't really make sense. But I can't help loving the refrain: "I got buried/No, it won't be long/Before I rise in song". As someone who's been through her share of depression, it's a very comforting thought.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Dear Chef Boyardick,

A few nights ago I stopped by the deli, as I often do, for two bottles of SmartWater on my way home from work. You stood ahead of me at the cash register put your items down on the counter even though the guy ahead of you hadn't finished paying. 

These items consisted of a bottle of Poland Spring water, a sandwich, and three cans of Chef Boyardee.

The guy in front of you quickly grabbed his change and left, then you looked the cashier over as he ran up the items on the counter. "I've seen you stocking the shelves and sweeping," you said. "Now you're behind the register? What kind of sense does that make?"

The cashier, who perhaps didn't have the best grasp on the English language, didn't respond. The cashier took an extra second perhaps in ringing you up, and you were not having it. 

"Just put the stuff in the bag; it's not that big a deal," you snapped.

Another cashier swooped in and began handling your order. 

While this man rang you up, you looked at me and the two bottles in my arms. "Does that stuff work?" you asked, friendly and cordial, as though you hadn't just potentially created a well of insecurity in this poor man who was probably excited to start his first day at the cashier after years of sweeping and stocking from which he will never really recover.

"What?" I asked. "You mean SmartWater?"


"I don't know ... it tastes better."

You launched into a story about some show you'd seen where bottled water manufacturers filled water bottles of different brands with a garden hose.

"Well the pipes are rusty in my building, so," I began.

But as soon as the second cashier bagged your items, you were out the door, rushing toward the Pastapalooza you clearly had planned when you got home.

Since you left before I could tell you, I thought I'd leave this on the big old Internet in case you might ever see it: 

You, sir, are an Asshole with a capital "A".

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Short Post and a Song #86: So you're only supposed to call your friends bitches, I guess?

A few days ago I was on a very crowded subway train. To the left was a sardine-can clusterfuck of people, while to the right there was plenty of free space. 

One woman couldn't take it. She tapped another woman on the shoulder and said, "Could you please move down? There's space down there."

The second woman blinked. "But there are people next to me. I can't just move."

"You selfish bitch!" the first woman exclaimed.

As I left the train, I could hear the second woman muttering to the first, "You can't just call someone a bitch who you don't know..."


"Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll" by The Killers

This song is an old friend of mine. It's not my favorite song by The Killers, but for some reason whatever I'm writing seems to come out easier when I'm listening to "Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll".