Sunday, April 23, 2017

Short Post and a Song #112: Where did you find all those friends who also like to sing in the car, Wayne? TELL ME YOUR GODDAMN SECRETS.

When I'm not alone in a car and "Bohemian Rhapsody" comes on the radio I always want it to be like that scene in Wayne's World, but instead it's just me quietly squeaking, "Mama..." before lapsing into shameful silence.


"Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

That car sing-a-long will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Short Post and a Song #111: Is glue involved? Or eye of newt?

Dear women who can wear their sunglasses on top of their heads without the sunglasses falling off every time they try to look down,


P.S. I don't mean that. Please be my friends and teach me your ways, you beautiful witch dragons.


"Bad Kids" by Black Lips

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Dan and I do not agree about this song. La La Dan thinks the lead singer can't sing and therefore the song sounds more like jarring noise than music. I, on the other hand, don't think this song would be anywhere near as good if it were sung by someone with a smooth, melodic sort of voice. The quality of the singing is punky, yelly, and rebellious, which fits the spirit of the song perfectly.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Short Post and a Song #110: Enjoy your happily ever after with Garbage Breath.

Whenever a dude proposes to a lady he's never even kissed at the end of a movie, and then they finally do kiss, I always imagine one of them recoiling and saying, "Ugh, your mouth tastes like garbage."


"Ebony Eyes" by Stevie Wonder

There's no big explanation for this one. I just really fucking love this song.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Short Post and a Song #109: Now THAT'S metal.

Today I saw a metal-looking dude wearing a leather jacket and a bandana, and he was walking a dog who was wearing a tiny leather jacket and a tiny bandana.


"October" by Broken Bells

I've still been plugging away at my Renaissance Experiment series these days. While I wait for some last bits of feedback on the first book from my readers, I've been been going back over my outlines for the other two books in the series to work out any kinks. I wrote those outlines in 2011 and the series has gone through quite a few changes since then, so I need to make sure some of the newer twists and turns fit into the original framework.

I've also been working on the second book in the series. I wrote the first eight chapters from 2011 to 2012, and have barely looked at them since. I read through all the old chapters, subtracted a fuckload of unnecessary exposition, and now I'm doing some of the first new writing I've done on this series in five years. 

And it's so weird. It's kind of like finding an old shirt in your closet that you haven't worn in years and being shocked to find it still fits. You're so happy to have this awesome shirt back in your life, but can't help feeling strange about the fact that the you who wore this shirt five years ago and the you wearing it now are such different people.

I've been relying on music more than ever to get into my protagonist's head, and "October" (along with "In the Backseat" by Arcade Fire) has long served as her theme song.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Short Post and a Song #108: Jesus, Vanessa.

If you don't want to feel like you're being watched, STOP STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MENU I'M TRYING TO READ, VANESSA.

(I don't know if your name is Vanessa, but I assume it is.)


"Dear Friend" by Emanuel and the Fear

I was into Emanuel and the Fear in a big way back in college and saw them perform live twice. Feeling nostalgic, I recently looked up their music from back then and found I still loved it just as much.

The entire Listen album is fantastic, as is "The Rain Becomes The Clouds" from their first album—"Dear Friend" is just the song of theirs I’m the most obsessed with at the moment. It is simply impossible to stay in a bad mood while listening to this song. 

Monday, March 20, 2017

Short Post and a Song #107: You died quickly.

Me: I hate when men refer to women as prizes.

The Great Dansby: But you're my prize!

Me: *glare*

Danlock Holmes: I threw a ball into a bowl at the fair and won you. *hugs my head to his chest and pets my hair* You died quickly.


"We Don't Need Our Heads" by A Great Big Pile of Leaves

There's been a definite teenage theme to the songs I've been posting lately, since I've been writing about teenagers and music can be a good way for me to worm my way into their angsty little heads. This song isn't particularly angsty though; it's just super fun and nostalgic. I'm particularly fond of the lyrics "Hangin' on the outside/It's so much more fun" since it's something I wish I'd realized myself back in high school.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

It's all gouda.

ME: I'm gonna start using puns more. 

FRIEND: Great.

ME: Like, I think it's gonna be a pretty gouda day.


ME: Yep, I am feeling pretty gouda.

FRIEND: Okay...

ME: *petting dog* Who's a gouda boy!

FRIEND: Maybe I should explain to you how puns work.

ME: Oh no, I get it. I'm very gouda with puns.

FRIEND: Do you just really want some gouda right now or something?

ME: *daydreaming about dancing gouda wheels* What's that, gouda buddy?

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Short Post and a Song #106: And the soundtrack of all your dreams shall be the creepy humming from "Pan's Labyrinth".

I'm apparently a huge blanket-hogging dick when I'm sleeping.

I... What do I do about this? Is there some way to punish my sleeping self?

Bad, Sleep Jill, BAD! No more cool "surfing through space on a pizza slice" dreams for you! From now on it's gonna be all clowns, all the time, until you clean up your act.


"Medusa in Chains" by The Fratellis

I've been listening to The Fratellis for years and am really digging this bonus track off their latest album. It's got a great bluesy feel to it and the instrumental makes me wish I had a piano or keyboard so I could try to sound it out. It's also pretty killer for writing romantical scenes.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Short Post and a Song #105: Did you get a haircut?

How I interpret someone asking me "Did you get a haircut?" when I have not, in fact, gotten a haircut:

"You look like shit most of the time, but you look ever so slightly less like shit today for some reason."


"Prank Calls by Kelley Stoltz

As I've mentioned previously, I'm working on getting my dystopian novel, The Renaissance Experiment, into shape. I often listen to instrumental music while editing so I don't get distracted by the lyrics, but sometimes I need something that will get me into the right mood to write a certain character. 

My protagonist is sixteen, and nothing gets me into her teenaged head like this song. (Particularly during friendship/not-feeling-alone-anymore-type scenes.) The melody is upbeat and fun, but with just enough of an angsty edge.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

The complex and scholarly process of naming baby animals

HANK, A ZOOLOGIST: What should we call a baby kangaroo?


HANK: Good one! How about a baby koala?


HANK: A little repetitive, but okay. A baby wallaby?


HANK: You're really losing your knack for this, Bernard.

JOEY: Christ, Bernard, I'm up. What are we doing?

HANK: Coming up with names for baby animals. Next on the list are baby wombats.

JOEY: Oh, I love baby wombats! Do you ... would you mind maybe naming them after me?

...And that is the true (maybe?) story of why all baby marsupials are called joeys.

...Also this post is better if you imagine them all with Australian accents.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

Short Post and a Song #104: Please don't take ice cream from us, Dystopian Future.

MAN TRYING TO SELL ME DIPPIN' DOTS: Dippin' Dots are the ice cream of the future.

ME: *grabs him by his collar* What the fuck did you do to normal ice cream, you time-traveling bastard??


"Lower the Heavens" by The Donkeys

I've been writing up a storm recently. Some of it has been fleshing out the worlds of two of my infant projects that barely exist outside my brain yet—one historical fiction and one sci-fi. But most of my energy has been going toward editing my dystopian project, The Renaissance Experiment (older readers may remember it as Renaissance Lab). It's finally been long enough since I started (nearly seven years already, Jesus) that I've been able to read it back over with some objectivity.

I prefer instrumental tracks for editing since I get too hung up on lyrics to pay attention to what I'm reading, and "Lower the Heavens" has been a real favorite of mine lately. Give it until 1:10 or so to really get going, and goddamn then it really does. It's particularly good for "let's all band together to pull off something awesome" sorts of scenes, though I imagine it would also lend itself well to romantic scenes.

You may have noticed that I have gone back to the old Short Post and a Song format. It was a fun experiment while it lasted, but I've realized an important factor that I managed to overlook previously: The songs I feel inclined to make jokes about are not often the songs I actually enjoy. And I just didn't like the idea of in any way endorsing songs I don't like, since this blog is my Velocikingdom where I rule as an all powerful God King. (I know it should be Goddess Queen but I like the sound of God King better, and it's my Velocikingdom, so yeah ... that pretty much makes my point, actually.)

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


[Sleepless in Seattle, 1993]

MEG RYAN: So I've basically been stalking you this whole movie.

TOM HANKS: Aw, that's adorable! ...You know if you were a dude and I were a lady this would all be really creepy, right?

MEG RYAN: Oh yeah, super creepy.

*They kiss*

If Tom Hanks were asking this question the movie would be a thriller, not a romantic comedy.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Short Post and a Song #103: Clowns, making music videos better since NEVER. THEY HAVE NEVER MADE ANYTHING BETTER.

"Wonderwall" by Oasis

HIM: 🎶I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
🎶 HER: 1) Only you can save yourself, and 2) The fuck is a wonderwall?

P.S. Prior to writing this post, I had never seen this song's music video before. What the fuck is going on? Are they at the really laid-back auditions for a circus ... with dancing girls and people playing saws as instruments ... in a warehouse?

It's okay though, bros. It's in black and white and that makes it "art".

P.P.S. Here also is this mash-up of "Wonderwall" with "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, which I enjoy much more than the original song (maybe because of that sweet little cameo "Dream On" by Aerosmith makes at the end):

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Short Post and a Song #102: Seriously, "They poison the game so no one else can compete" could be that movie's plot summary.

"it's different for girls" by of Montreal

🎶They don't have to size up
Every person they meet
Or create an elite🎶

...It's a great song, of Montreal, but have you MET a woman? Have you seen Mean Girls??

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Short Post and a Song #101: Goddamn it, Kim, you knew that was our only shot at recording it!

"Where Is My Mind?" by The Pixies

KIM DEAL: 🎶Oooh🎶



BLACK FRANCIS: *interrupts by playing guitar*

KIM DEAL: *passive aggressively sings 🎶Ooo-oooh🎶 for 4 minutes*

Wednesday, January 11, 2017


The conversation from everyone else's perspective:

ROB: Joe Montana was the best quarterback of all time, hands down. He led the Niners on a 92-yard drive with only 36 seconds left in Super Bowl XXIII!

MARK: Naw, it's gotta be Peyton Manning. He's thrown the most touchdown passes ever and the most in a single season!

ME: *pumps fist* Yeah, sportsball!

The conversation from my perspective:

ROB: Sportsball!

MARK: Sportsball!

ME: *pumps fist* Yeah, sportsball!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Short Post and a Song #100: THE ONE SANE MEMBER OF SOUNDGARDEN: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

"Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden

*SOUNDGARDEN brainstorming*

Weirdly large eyes and mouths!

Roasting a Barbie on a spit!

*DAVID LYNCH pops head in* You are doing great work.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Short Post and a Song #99: [David flipping through a Gumby book] Well I guess this cat's pretty cool...

"Life During Wartime" by Talking Heads

DAVID BYRNE: 🎶This ain't no party, this ain't no disco🎶 LIBRARIAN: Yes, we understand, David. Now please be quiet.