Tuesday, July 10, 2012

In which Generation Y shits the bed for future generations. Historically speaking, I mean.

My generation may know a thing or two about that Internet, but man, we are terrible on the phone. We're the generation that will go down in history as the one that fucked up big time when it came to teaching further generations how to form coherent sentences telephonically. (I'm sure we will be using fuck words in History books by this point.)

To illustrate this, I have taken every memory I have of hearing my peers speak on the phone and rolled them up with my own experiences in the fiery hellscape that is a switchboard. The end result is one little phone-failer named Melanie.

This is her story.


A DRAMATIC REENACTMENT OF EVERY MEMBER OF MY GENERATION FAILING ON THE TELEPHONE AKA MELANIE'S WAR

Phone Rings.

MELANIE: Huh-uh. Clears throat grossly. Hello? This voice is like two octaves higher than the original voice. I mean... And now we're back down again.  ... This is the Office of Glendower and Gold. Hi.

MELANIE starts to surf the Internet while Mr. Blargins is talking. Fuck, did he say "Blargins?" she thinks. That can't be his name. How do I ask again? Who am I kidding; I can't ask again.

MELANIE: I'm sorry--what did you say your name was? Scrunches eyebrows down and adopts a somewhat constipated expression, as though this will somehow help her to hear better.

It sounds more like "Flarepins" now, MELANIE thinks. NONE OF THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE HEARING SOUND LIKE NAMES THAT ANY HUMAN HAS HAD EVER, she mentally yells in silent panic.  

Fuck this, she concludes and accidentally drops the call while answering another.



Now you may think that Melanie is not a proper representative of Generation Y's alleged failure at phone talking. "She was at work!" you'll defend. "That is a very stressful environment. How dare you make fun of poor Melanie for being a bit nervous?!"

1) Chill the fuck out. Were you not there during the part where I explained that Melanie is in no way a real person? Learn to pay attention.

2) Oh. So you think Melanie would do a better job talking to, say, a good friend on the phone?

"Of course!" you reply, glad I'm finally able to see reason.

Well all right then.


A DRAMATIC REENACTMENT OF EVERY MEMBER OF MY GENERATION FAILING AT TALKING TO A FRIEND ON THE TELEPHONE AKA MELANIE INVADES CUBA

MELANIE sits in an armchair in her family room. The television is on and a laptop is in her lap. She picks up her phone and dials her friend ELLEN.

ELLEN: Hey, Mel! How's it hanging?

MELANIE: ... Logs onto Gmail. Checks seven other websites while she's at it.

ELLEN: Melanie?

MELANIE: ... Flips channels on the television. Frowns at how many shows include "Kardashian" in their titles.

ELLEN: You know, I actually kind of have to go.

MELANIE: Dude, sorry. What's up?

ELLEN: You called me.

MELANIE: ... Begins a game of Tetris. Forgets about Tetris while it's loading and buys twelve books online.

ELLEN: Groans and hangs up.


You're pretty sure at this point that Melanie has ADHD and is therefore not a very good representative of my generation at all.

...

...

Sorry. I was off laughing my ass off. And also checking my Twitter and Facebook because this is what we do, people. Whether you are willing to admit it or not. Here's hoping the next generation falls a little out of love with technology so they can devote a bit more time learning to say them words out loud to another actual person.

5 comments:

  1. "Melanie Invades Cuba" nearly made me spit my coffee all over my keyboard. I hate talking on the phone--I never know when it's my turn to talk!

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    1. Thanks! I am really, really bad with that too. And then there's always that awkward, "You go ahead." "No, what were you going to say?" moment.

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  2. Yeah, I am terrible with phone calls. If I'm calling someone professional, I have to figure out what I'm going to say ahead of time so I'm not going "oh, er, um, err... " and end up forgetting to leave my name or phone number or both if it's a message.

    I did make a rule though! If I'm on the phone, I'm not watching TV, on the computer, or well, doing anything except talking. Okay, so I fudge sometimes and watch a movie if it's a really long call. We're tech-addicts.

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    1. Also! I went out of town last week. The chick who sat next to me on the plane looked eerily like you!

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    2. Yeah I have legitimately written out messages on a notepad and prayed that no one would answer.

      That's a good rule. I usually wander around my apartment on the phone. If I stick around in one place for too long the distractions become too tempting.

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