Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I am not an Oprah Pegasus

I'm kind of in the mood to be inspirational today so, without further ado, I'll just get inspirin'. Naw, I'm just kidding. When I think of inspiring people, I think of Oprah. And I am quite possibly the opposite of Oprah in every single way.

Oprah came from nothing and now she builds literal cities for the homeless. Say some book is four hundred blank pages and one photocopied ass picture, but it's on a different page in each copy of the book—if Oprah decides that she likes it, you know that shit is going straight to the top of the bestseller's list.

Though of course Oprah is way too classy for ass pictures.

I, on the other hand, think that blank-novel-with-a-mystery-ass-picture idea is fucking brilliant. That's the twist! You never know when that book is going to moon you. Fucking suspense—that's what that is. Ass of the Living Dead.

I also have not yet built one city for the homeless. I haven't even built a house for the homeless, or a desk or something. Instead I stare at my book while a man with a rolling suitcase leaking blue liquid tries to sell me an alcoholic juice box on the subway.

Oprah has her shit together, as well as the shit of roughly thirty-seven towns and fifty girls' summer camps. I've put off doing laundry long enough to run out of underwear and spend days in bathing suit bottoms, and am allergic to putting my shoes anywhere but all over our bedroom floor. Briefly we had a roommate who had an adorable cat. And I was so happy because there was a cat around who I could shower with love, and yet I never had to take any responsibility for. Her litter box was someone else's problem, and that was a beautiful thing.

So whenever I do write posts with writing advice, please don't think that I think I'm some kind of all-knowing Oprah Pegasus. Those advice posts are as much for me as they are for anyone else. I have done me some book-writing and have gotten to the point where I'm starting to figure out what works for me and what doesn't. I've found some ways of getting around walls that have blocked my narrative path in the past—why not share them, if they might help someone else having the same problem?

Just remember that for every piece of writing advice I offer, I have also broken a wine glass in public. Or shoved someone on my way to the subway. Or told a young child that she shouldn't hide her tooth under her pillow because that would technically be selling herself for money, and that's something we grown-ups like to call prostitution.


  1. You really told a child about tooth prostitution? That's frickin' awesome.

    Oprah has a lot of power, it's pretty amazing. I really hate the rumor about her saying tip 10% (I'm a waitress). Even an Oprah-rumor has power, which is kind of scary.

    Don't feel bad about the broken wine glass. Bartenders tend to break a glass or two every other shift or so, and glasses break or crack in the dishwasher allllll the time.

    1. I really did. I love kids but probably shouldn't be allowed around the littler ones without a chaperone.

      I don't think I've ever heard that rumor! I very much hope it's not true. I've been a service assistant and a hostess, and will therefore always leave ridiculous tips and defensively point out how busy a restaurant is when other people start to complain about slow service.