Updated: Dear Danuel's iPad, and also our apartment building's ancient elevator:

Oh, you two. I wouldn't have expected you to have anything in common. One of you weighs about as much as fifty sheets of paper, and the other is a heap of creaking machinery that makes me fear for my life at least twice a day.

And yet you both have a tendency to forget your given functions. I don't ask a lot of you, iPad. You could slip through a fucking crack in the floor—I forgive you for being overwhelmed by the idea of Spell-check.

But sometimes I decide I want to go to a website, or that I would very much like to check my email. You'll take me to where I want to go. But once I try to click a link, you are having none of that shit. You're like "What the fuck is this tapping thing you keep doing? It's disturbing my meditation, you asshole." And then I feel kind of rude, and also wonder what an iPad could possibly get out of meditation.

And you, elevator. Good lord. You just suck. I'll tell you I don't want to climb six flights of stairs and you're like, "Of course! You've worked a long day and should definitely not have to climb those stairs."

A minute later you still haven't arrived so I press the button again. And you act all innocent, like, "Hey buddy? How's it hanging?"

"Things aren't going so great, muchacho," I reply, because I say things like "muchacho" when I converse with elevators. "You were supposed to come pick me up?"

"Oh, right, right," you reply, and make all kinds of noises like you're really planning to come down.

This pattern goes on for about ten minutes and oh God I hate you so much, elevator.

Listen up, you two. You need to stop forgetting your purposes in life. I get that it must be confusing for you, iPad. I mean, you're not really a computer, you're not a phone ... but one thing I know that you are supposed to be able to do efficiently is browse the internet. Please remember that this is one of your capabilities from now on.

And, elevator. I'm sorry I've been so insensitive to your Alzheimer's. I'll probably go to hell for that. But your job is not that fucking hard. Up. Down. That's it. Not "down for two floors then stop for no reason."

I think maybe you both need to do some soul-searching and think hard about your career choices.

P.S. Bleh, once again an Apple product has tricked me into plussing one of my own posts. This time the culprit was an iPhone. I guess these clumsy fingers just weren't made for the future.