Thursday, May 31, 2012

A Festival of Laziness: It's my goddamn birthday, bitches.

Hey Velocininjas. It is my twenty-fourth birthday today. We do only get one of these a year, after all, so I have a special birthday tradition. 

On the best of days, I am an extremely lazy person. This probably has something to do with the fact that I write and read for a living, and therefore sit a lot. And I know I should buy a standing desk, I know that's healthier, but I am too lazy to perform the actual act of buying one and setting it up, so there you go.

On my birthday, I allow myself a Festival of Laziness. Luckily I am rarely required to go into the office full-time so I can usually work it out so I don't have to work on my birthday. I get up late and Danlaration of Independence is usually home too since he also has a loose work schedule. 

Whenever any suggestion of responsibility is thrown my way throughout the day, I respond with:

"It's my birthday."

That's it. It is my birthday, and those responsibilities have no business mucking up my birthday. Laundry? Who can be bothered with laundry on a day like today: A day of dreams?


Danstar Runner: What are you doing for breakfast this morning?

Me (blinks a few times): It's my birthday.

The Dan with a Thousand Faces: Yeah, happy birthday, babe. So what are you going to do about breakfast?

Me: It's my birthday.


This goes on for a while, until Dannister eventually (perhaps begrudgingly) procures me some sort of breakfast. It's not that I want some crazy culinary achievement drenched in Hollandaise sauce. Mostly I just want not to deal with breakfast because today is an ode to laziness. 

When I got the delivery just now, I did so with a sigh.


Me: Ohhhkay. Even though it's my birthday.

Dannersburg: Do you expect me to do everything? Is that what you mean?

Me: It's my birthday.

Dantacular Dan: Damn it, Jill.


So the next time your birthday falls, I suggest you try my "It's my birthday" mind meld:


Don't you have that report to finish? 

It's my birthday. 


Are you planning to pay for that coffee, ma'am? 

It's my birthday. 


Shouldn't you be writing a coherent blog post for today?

It's my goddamn birthday, bitches.

10 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Jilly!! I hope you can find the energy to answer the phone cause I'm planning to call to say "Happy Birthday!" Anonymous Mom

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    1. Thanks, Mama! It was a stretch but I mustered up the energy to slowly press the "Send" button when you guys called :)

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  2. Happy Birthday :) An ode to laziness is awesome.

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  3. Happy Birthday! And I support your commitment to b-day laziness. I haven't done any work on my own since the Reagan administration. Incidentally, I have also appropriated my wife's b-day as another guaranteed work-dodge (though I do make *some* effort for her big day, which is, incidentally, this Monday. Send money).

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    1. Thanks--laziness need support. Literally. Otherwise you kind of have to cook your own food and do your own dishes.

      I have sent your wife five kabillion dollars for her birthday. It's in a purple, sparkly envelope decorated with tap-dancing elephant stickers.

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  4. Happy Birthday!!! I fully support your theory, I just wish I'd thought of it last month when it was my birthday.

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    1. Thank you! If you were to have a belated birthday festival of laziness, I would completely support it.

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  5. Can I just say that your nicknames for your boyfriend are particularly funny in this post? I LOLed at Danstar Runner and Dan of a Thousand Faces. Hope your birthday was great!

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    1. You most certainly can! Thanks so much for the birthday wishes--it was a good, lazy one.

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